Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”