One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
You Might Also Like
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Guilty! 🤪
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
If snakes were wide
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start