One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
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me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.