One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.