One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
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Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Taliband
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt