One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
You Might Also Like
We avoided this particular disaster
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Blew my mind.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My birthstone is kidney
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.