One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”
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“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…