One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
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My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
It’s on my to-do list.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
thanks auntie mary
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.