Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*