Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*