Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

Fat chances are my favorite chances

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

get you a girl who

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday