Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”