One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
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Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Very good news from my accountant
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place