Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice