One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
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If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single