Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

describing stardew valley

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.