One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
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This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
The 6 types of sex
*puts words between two asterisks*
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome