One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
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[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.