Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.