Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

Erm…

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.