One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

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*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are


“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”


[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]


When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?


Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.


Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.


When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play


No, I said I wanted to BING you on my kitchen counter. You know, the popular search engine?


GOD: [inventing earth] Let there be light

ANGEL: K, coolcool

GOD: [inventing lightning] Let there be murdery light

ANGEL: Uh what now