One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
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Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Sell your car
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best