*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
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“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
No, I said I wanted to BING you on my kitchen counter. You know, the popular search engine?
GOD: [inventing earth] Let there be light
ANGEL: K, coolcool
GOD: [inventing lightning] Let there be murdery light
ANGEL: Uh what now