Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.