One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
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“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.