“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
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7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”