Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999