“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
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My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed