Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

What the hell happened in there??

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”