One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete