One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
