One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
not for long
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
