One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
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ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
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I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
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Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.