One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
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I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet