One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
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i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*