One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
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[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Oddly specific
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”