Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol