One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
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I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
i was baptized in a car wash
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle