One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
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if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I finally found a reason to live again.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.