One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
bears
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”