One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I already tried new things thanks.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Just a reminder, folks:
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
