One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
