Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

Imagine having a party on purpose.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!