One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

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“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms


Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.


The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.


The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”


For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.


I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.


Me: Got any bread?
Barman: No
Got any bread?
Got any bread?
No. Ask again, I nail your beak to the bar
Got any nails?
Got any bread?


If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.


[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out


Ah, yes, Halloween. The perfect night for me, a man who gets spooked when the commercials are louder than the show. Fantastic.