One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

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Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT


A customer called and right away started yelling at the top of her lungs about something… I let her finish then happily told her she got the wrong number.


Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.


my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits


Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance


If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.


I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory