One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Sorry I made promises on Friday
What an awful time to have common sense.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.