@QwertyJones3

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

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@AmishPornStar1

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

@charliecapen

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

@anerdonfire2

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

@xysist

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

@Kimpulses

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

@racistduck

Me: Got any bread?
Barman: No
Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No. Ask again, I nail your beak to the bar
Got any nails?
No
Got any bread?

@Playing_Dad

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

@rockymomax

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

@thenatewolf

Ah, yes, Halloween. The perfect night for me, a man who gets spooked when the commercials are louder than the show. Fantastic.