I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
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[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.
*holds seashell to ear*
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*throws shell into the sea*
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.