One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
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Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.