@badbanana

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

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@FSUSteve

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

@LlamaInaTux

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

@JohnHilsen

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

@Cheeseboy22

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

@heyitsJudeD

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!

@sofarrsogud

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

@markydoodoo

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

@onelongbender

Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.

@Jimpetuous

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.