One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
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Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers