[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
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My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.