One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
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Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
…..pretty much.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.