One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
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[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about