One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
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Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
rapatouille
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
How dramatic are you?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Why font matters.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.