One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
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*pronounces woah like Noah*
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.