One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
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Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Worst Native American name ever.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
But is it really??
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers