One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
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i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
When you’ve simply given up.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails