one last job
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“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
He’s dead
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
step 6: release the wall snake
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall