Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

oh u like geography? name every lake

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.