Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

i wish we could shoplift online

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting