One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
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New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.