Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

asking santa clause for nudes

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

🙀🙀🙀😹

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

Am I having a stroke?