Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

Dumplings,

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password