One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
You Might Also Like
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
True freaking story!
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.