One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
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Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
