Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

Never let them know your next move 😂

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.