One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
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If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Denise please return my vape pen
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
This classic never gets old . . .
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*