One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
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losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts