I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
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*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Her: Ok, on 3 lets,say what movie our marriage is most like. 1.. 2.. 3
Her: THE NOTEBOOK
Me: SHAWSHANK REDEMPTIONOTEBOOK
I wish chlamydia was as hard to get as it is to spell.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs
But it’s all gone to shit now