@pointsymmetric

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

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@Kryzazy

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so Iโ€™d have pants to match.

@djdarrellripley

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

@edgarrants

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

@MelvinofYork

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

@Sickayduh

Her: Ok, on 3 lets,say what movie our marriage is most like. 1.. 2.. 3
*simultaneously*
Her: THE NOTEBOOK
Me: SHAWSHANK REDEMPTIONOTEBOOK

@PanicRestroom

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

@iamk1ts

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

@StewieTea2

I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs

But it’s all gone to shit now