One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
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After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.