One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
You Might Also Like
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
My boss called in sick of me
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks