@The_Jokurrr

One man’s red flag is another man’s batsignal.

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@KimmyMonte

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

@kendraaaleighh

My roommate’s boyfriend has been here for 9 consecutive days and nights which is fine except i cant stand being in his presence and everything he does deeply infuriates me. going to start leaving subtle hints that he should go home like for example lighting his shoes on fire

@BoomBoomBetty

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

@pixelatedboat

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

@NyAdas

Today I learned the hard way if you over-pluck your eyebrows everyone thinks you’re interested in what they are saying

@gobmentcheese

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

@msdanifernandez

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

@BuckyIsotope

Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert’s funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. “Me want cookies,” he sadly intones. “Me want cookies.”

@robesman

in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i’m leaving

@UnFitz

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*