Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
You Might Also Like
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin