One man’s sprinkler is another man’s bidet

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It’s so hot outside I tried to let my dog out and she got up, closed the door and sat back down on the couch


You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.


Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.


[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?


I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire


You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.


I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.


I hate that “You know what to do” voicemail greeting, because if a recently unfrozen caveman calls, I bet that makes him feel pretty bad.