@mofrorock

One man’s sprinkler is another man’s bidet

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@DaddyJew

It’s so hot outside I tried to let my dog out and she got up, closed the door and sat back down on the couch

@jellybnbonanza

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

@Elizasoul80

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

@chuuew

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

@BrettDruck

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

@dshack8

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

@mela_shea

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

@claudiaa_haleyy

I hate that “You know what to do” voicemail greeting, because if a recently unfrozen caveman calls, I bet that makes him feel pretty bad.