One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
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If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.