One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
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I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Cake safety first. Always.
