One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
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BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about